Tonight, as I was leaving the Open House at my daughter’s school, an overwhelming sense of happiness washed over me. I drove home with the windows down and music blaring, singing along and smiling.
I am happy.
It’s something that’s really hit me over the past week. I can’t really put my finger on one particular thing, but it seems more like life is just falling into place.
I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. Sure, I’ve always been “happy”. I love my family and my life, but I’ve also dealt with post-partum depression and anxiety that, while never debilitating, still held a cloud over my head. It’s still there, the depression and anxiety, and I expect it to get worse again once winter comes around and I’m spending time with my BFF therapy light, but the happiness is bursting through those clouds more than ever.
It’s a feeling I want to stick around. I want to bottle it up, to keep it close. Maybe that’s why I’m blogging it. To capture this moment of happy so I can open the jar and breathe in its intoxicating scent when I have a bad day.
I think a large part of it has to do with finally feeling like I have a purpose in life. Yes, I know I’ve always had one, but it never felt like I was really where I was supposed to be. I can’t really explain it. But today, I realized I finally feel content.
I’m really enjoying my time at home with Bubba right now. I never really had this experience with Bunny because she was becoming a big sister around her third birthday. My solo time with her was spent before she was really independent, talkative, and able to go to school for a few hours a week. It was a beautiful time and I cherished it all-it’s just a different experience with her brother. I feel like my dynamic with Bubba has completely changed, too. He’s so much more my little buddy now. He’s cuddly and sweet and I find myself really soaking in every single moment we get alone together during the day. I’ve been quicker to step away from work to snuggle and watch Empire Strikes Back for the 50th time in a week, or simply be silly with him. I thought I wouldn’t enjoy co-oping in his classroom, and it turned out to be one of the best mornings I’ve had in a very long time. Bubba was anything but a mama’s boy as a baby, in fact, he wanted nothing to do with me if it wasn’t time to nurse, but I finally may be getting some of the amazing boymom love my friends have always raved about, and it’s pretty incredible.
While our time at home has been a struggle lately, my heart bursts with pride at how well Bunny is doing at school. I know many of our issues right now are simply because she’s flat-out tired from school and overstimulated by the time she gets off of the bus. She’ll adjust and I’ll adjust and we will figure it all out. Going to her classroom tonight and seeing her desk and art projects made me so very happy. School is her thing. It’s where she’s at her best, and I am so happy she has an amazing teacher this year to guide her and help her excel. She amazes me more and more every day with her ability to learn new things. I remember how much I loved school and I find so much joy in knowing she feels the same way.
And now I have one child in school full-time and my baby at home and in school for a few hours three days a week. I am busier than I’ve ever been before: I have a new job that I adore, plenty of freelance and blogging-related work to do, co-oping at Bubba’s school, volunteering at Bunny’s school, we’re buying our rental home, and I’m training for a marathon. But, somehow? Between all of the busy? There lies so much happy.
Things as small as the weather and season make it easier to be happy, too. Fall weather, the leaves changing, football, food, parties, pumpkins, decorations, turkey and then Christmas…September to December really is the most wonderful time of the year. It sounds trivial, but the last quarter of the year is when I thrive.
I used to long for a career outside the home, another baby, a change. I used to want something bigger and better. Or at least what I thought was bigger and better. And while I still have goals to reach, challenges to face, and dreams to realize, I can honestly say I’m enjoying the here-and-now for the first time in a long time. I can focus on now to create success and happiness to carry with me into the future, instead of wishing things would change now and hoping for contentment down the road.
And that…is what I call happy.